he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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