Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize