our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
