someone threw a dead crab at me
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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