He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Randomize
