Boner jamz table deep. plus bar deep. wiing waing.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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