i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
