make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
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