Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
