I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
