My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
