Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
