i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
Randomize
