in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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