I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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