Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
