my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
