i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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