Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize