How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
