Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Randomize