Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
