it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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