I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Randomize
