Well apparently he's into motor boating.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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