I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
Randomize
