were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
