I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
