I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
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