so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
