Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
