At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
