My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
