no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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