i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
