my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
being pregnant is like rehab
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
