I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
