this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
