my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
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