I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
