It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
