Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
