Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Randomize
