i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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