i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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