if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Came so hard when I was riding him that I actually bit some of his chest hair off. He said I was the first girl ever to do THAT.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Randomize
