M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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