don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize