he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
