using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
