Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
