Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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