i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
