The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
