HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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