Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
It's gotten to the point where even copying off yahoo answers is still way too much work.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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