I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
