I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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