Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
Randomize
