you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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