Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
