question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
