did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
