I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
